On this mother's day, I salute all mothers who are raising their children to be sensitive to gender equality.
These are my thoughts after hearing Anna Quindlen the author of a new book 'Lots of candles and plenty of cake'. She is a Pulitzer prize winning columnist for New York Times. She was being interviewed by Terry Gross on Fresh Air on NPR. She is an active feminist and a mother of two boys.
She talked about the disadvantages of being a female in the US culture. She mentioned that girls are told that they are not capable of doing certain things and are not allowed to develop the same level of confidence that a male child gets. So she decided to raise her boys as feminist boys. Then she went on to explain that such boys would treat women as equals. Other than that she has taught her boys not to expect special treatment because they are white men.
Lot of thoughts went through my mind on hearing those comments. The one that hit closest was the view that girls are at a disadvantage in the US. Since I have two girls I did worry if it is going to be very challenging to them to compete with men - let alone white men, who the author alleges, have a certain entitlement mentality. America is thought to be the most advanced nation in the world. One would think that being a woman would be easier in US. So it is puzzling to me when Americans lament with statements like 'in a conservative culture likes ours'.
To it's credit women enjoy lot more freedom and equality in US than in most countries in the world. Women have also demonstrated their capabilities by reaching higher positions in the corporate as well as in public life in US. So what does the author mean when she says women are told they can't do certain things? I am aware of the fact that women are driven to think that science and math are not for them. We see there is a strong imbalance in the science and technology areas, in favor of men. One study says that for every five persons graduating with a degree in science only one is female. I think this social conditioning depends on the environment in which the girl child grows up - home as well as external.
When I first noticed this situation I was puzzled. During my school and college days in India, the ratio of boys to girls in a class was roughly around 60 to 40. This was true even for engineering and medicine which required good understanding of science. Even though Indian women have lesser freedom and are subjected to greater neglect and ill treatment, I think women have established themselves well in the fields of science and math. In the medical field many expert doctors and surgeons are women. In the corporate world it is common to see women engineers and bosses. This is more true in IT companies. In politics there are significant number of women Chief Ministers like Mayawathi, Jayalalitha, Sheila Dixit and Mamatha Banerjee. India even has the bragging rights for having had a woman president Prathibha Patil and an iconic and powerful Prime Minister in Indira Gandhi.
Such being the case I was puzzled by the fact an advanced country like US with impressive advances in women's social situation, would not pay attention to the fact that women are under represented in the work place. Not just that, according to the author, men act as if they are a gift from god. It appears that it is more than a man's world is US. Even when it comes to a man-woman relationship the woman appears to be the one who is trying hard to win the man. Going by popular media portrayal, middle aged single woman appear desperate to land a man. (Of course, media portrayal is not the true indicator and I hope it is incorrect. In the Indian context we have not seen middle aged women appearing to be desperate. There is an obvious explanation for this. Firstly women in India are more inhibited in these matters. Secondly there are not many middle aged single women in India)
How can this situation be improved? One way as the author Ana Quindlen says (whom I mentioned in beginning) is for mothers to raise feminist sons. That means such sons will be more sensitive to the idea of equality between the genders. The author even suggests that she reminds her sons that they need to be extra mindful of the fact that they have a lot of privilege being white men in America and they should be cautious about not taking undue advantage of it.
In the Indian context parenting is still more traditional than scientific. I mean people raise their children based on how they themselves were brought up. They may change their ways in keeping with the times. For example they may allow their daughters more freedom that their parents did. I hope now parents are veering towards showing a deliberate interest in raising their children such that they are sensitive to women and treat everyone as equals. One need not fear that such children will turn out be less of a man. In fact there is an advantage, The author says her sons thank her for raising them as feminist boys by saying "Chicks dig it" . (OK, that is one valuable tip for all my brothers out there)
At the same time it is also important to raise girls in a way they turn out to be confident individuals. There is a lot of pressure from the society that tells girls that they should not try to break out of their traditional demeanor. This is what forces little girls to hide their intellectual abilities and pretend to be less smart in order to get popular. That is why from a very young age girls should be taught to confidently express their thoughts. They should be taught to expect respect and to have the conviction that their ideas and thoughts are valid and are worthy of consideration. Ask for their opinions and ideas. For example, if you want to play with your daughter, ask her what game she wants to play. And just agree to what she says. Avoid saying things like "I have a better idea". When playing with any child always let them win. Interact with them at their level. One very simple thing to do is kneel down to their height when you are talking to them. You appear less intimidating that way.
So on this mother's day I salute all moms who are teaching their boys to be sensitive women, resulting in creating men who will becomes and raise their daughters to be confident in their lives and in their interaction with their male counter parts.
These are my thoughts after hearing Anna Quindlen the author of a new book 'Lots of candles and plenty of cake'. She is a Pulitzer prize winning columnist for New York Times. She was being interviewed by Terry Gross on Fresh Air on NPR. She is an active feminist and a mother of two boys.
She talked about the disadvantages of being a female in the US culture. She mentioned that girls are told that they are not capable of doing certain things and are not allowed to develop the same level of confidence that a male child gets. So she decided to raise her boys as feminist boys. Then she went on to explain that such boys would treat women as equals. Other than that she has taught her boys not to expect special treatment because they are white men.
Lot of thoughts went through my mind on hearing those comments. The one that hit closest was the view that girls are at a disadvantage in the US. Since I have two girls I did worry if it is going to be very challenging to them to compete with men - let alone white men, who the author alleges, have a certain entitlement mentality. America is thought to be the most advanced nation in the world. One would think that being a woman would be easier in US. So it is puzzling to me when Americans lament with statements like 'in a conservative culture likes ours'.
To it's credit women enjoy lot more freedom and equality in US than in most countries in the world. Women have also demonstrated their capabilities by reaching higher positions in the corporate as well as in public life in US. So what does the author mean when she says women are told they can't do certain things? I am aware of the fact that women are driven to think that science and math are not for them. We see there is a strong imbalance in the science and technology areas, in favor of men. One study says that for every five persons graduating with a degree in science only one is female. I think this social conditioning depends on the environment in which the girl child grows up - home as well as external.
When I first noticed this situation I was puzzled. During my school and college days in India, the ratio of boys to girls in a class was roughly around 60 to 40. This was true even for engineering and medicine which required good understanding of science. Even though Indian women have lesser freedom and are subjected to greater neglect and ill treatment, I think women have established themselves well in the fields of science and math. In the medical field many expert doctors and surgeons are women. In the corporate world it is common to see women engineers and bosses. This is more true in IT companies. In politics there are significant number of women Chief Ministers like Mayawathi, Jayalalitha, Sheila Dixit and Mamatha Banerjee. India even has the bragging rights for having had a woman president Prathibha Patil and an iconic and powerful Prime Minister in Indira Gandhi.
Such being the case I was puzzled by the fact an advanced country like US with impressive advances in women's social situation, would not pay attention to the fact that women are under represented in the work place. Not just that, according to the author, men act as if they are a gift from god. It appears that it is more than a man's world is US. Even when it comes to a man-woman relationship the woman appears to be the one who is trying hard to win the man. Going by popular media portrayal, middle aged single woman appear desperate to land a man. (Of course, media portrayal is not the true indicator and I hope it is incorrect. In the Indian context we have not seen middle aged women appearing to be desperate. There is an obvious explanation for this. Firstly women in India are more inhibited in these matters. Secondly there are not many middle aged single women in India)
How can this situation be improved? One way as the author Ana Quindlen says (whom I mentioned in beginning) is for mothers to raise feminist sons. That means such sons will be more sensitive to the idea of equality between the genders. The author even suggests that she reminds her sons that they need to be extra mindful of the fact that they have a lot of privilege being white men in America and they should be cautious about not taking undue advantage of it.
In the Indian context parenting is still more traditional than scientific. I mean people raise their children based on how they themselves were brought up. They may change their ways in keeping with the times. For example they may allow their daughters more freedom that their parents did. I hope now parents are veering towards showing a deliberate interest in raising their children such that they are sensitive to women and treat everyone as equals. One need not fear that such children will turn out be less of a man. In fact there is an advantage, The author says her sons thank her for raising them as feminist boys by saying "Chicks dig it" . (OK, that is one valuable tip for all my brothers out there)
At the same time it is also important to raise girls in a way they turn out to be confident individuals. There is a lot of pressure from the society that tells girls that they should not try to break out of their traditional demeanor. This is what forces little girls to hide their intellectual abilities and pretend to be less smart in order to get popular. That is why from a very young age girls should be taught to confidently express their thoughts. They should be taught to expect respect and to have the conviction that their ideas and thoughts are valid and are worthy of consideration. Ask for their opinions and ideas. For example, if you want to play with your daughter, ask her what game she wants to play. And just agree to what she says. Avoid saying things like "I have a better idea". When playing with any child always let them win. Interact with them at their level. One very simple thing to do is kneel down to their height when you are talking to them. You appear less intimidating that way.
So on this mother's day I salute all moms who are teaching their boys to be sensitive women, resulting in creating men who will becomes and raise their daughters to be confident in their lives and in their interaction with their male counter parts.
2 comments:
Very astute observations Madhu. From my perspective, I've seen that at the primary (elementary) school level here in India, girls consistently outperform boys in all spheres - academically, in social interaction, extra-curricular activities (dance, drama etc.), even handwriting. My oldest son who does well in academics consistently battles with girls for the top spot in the class, and has lost so far! However, somewhere in high school, the playing field levels off as boys start "scoring" in science and math, and then boys seem to outperform girls - there is still a bias towards boys in Engineering colleges and definitely in the IITs and IIMs. I don't know why this happens? In previous generations (including mine) I would attribute this to puberty hitting and girls slowing down. Parents also start conditioning girls towards marriage.
However, things are looking better in India recently - one recent phenomenon is the fact that girls are topping all the civil services examinations nowadays - IAS etc. It is a beautiful thing to read about!!!
Thanks Padmaja for your very insightful comments from your personal experience. You are right on when you say that girls are at the top in earlier school years. It was true in my class untill 7th. There is one other factor which is gender nuetral - that is age. Those kids were getting 35th or 39th rank in a class of 40, would come up to speed in PUC or degree level schools. I just remembered that.
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